Home Blog Page 5

Rock N Roll Heaven: A Dirty Trip Down Memory Lane

0

Sometimes for these reviews, we have the singular privilege of going way back in time to examine some of the vintage porn classics of yesteryear.

Today is one of those times, as we travel back to the age of hair metal and hairy bush: 1989. That’s right; it’s time for a review of Rock N Roll Heaven! 

It doesn’t get more late 80s than this. With Guns-N’-Roses-style performances on the stage and outrageously-haired people fucking off it, watching Rock N’ Roll Heaven is a trip down memory lane.

Unless you’re still in your twenties/early thirties, in which case you have no memory of the late 80s and need to get the fuck off my lawn. 

That unbidden vitriol now put aside, let’s get to reviewing Rock N’ Roll Heaven. 

Rock N’ Roll Heaven: Overview 

  • Release date: 1989 
  • Directed by: John Stagliano
  • Starring: Alex Horn, Brandy Alexandre, Alex Taylor, Fifi Bardot, Gene Carrera, Jeannie Pepper, Jesse Adams, Jessica, Keisha, Randy James, Randy Spears, Renee Morgan, Sasha Strange, Sharon Kane, Stacy Lords, Tom Byron, Woop 
  • Runtime: 1:31:24 

Rock N’ Roll Heaven: Plot 

Rock N’ Roll Heaven is almost a documentary for its time, but with lots more fucking. It’s centered around the Sunset Strip in Hollywood, and the proliferation of tight spandex, too much hairspray, and sometimes having trouble telling who the guys and who the girls are (hint: moustaches are helpful in this regard). 

Up-and-coming rock star Rex is rocking the clubs of Sunset Strip and channeling his inner Axel Rose hard (check out his bandana and sleeveless black band T-shirt).

He’s also doing groupies pretty hard; no sooner has he stepped offstage than he’s got girls clamoring to suck him off.

Sometimes, in fact, he doesn’t even make it offstage before he’s getting mobbed. Sometimes it’s not just him enjoying the fruit of his labors; there are plenty of dudes in the crowd who end up fucking these sex-crazed girls on the spot. 

It’s not too long before Rex’s shows turn into the last days of Rome. There’s open fucking and blowing going on everywhere, and it’s basically an orgy with a backdrop of 80s soft rock – where the music is the only thing that’s soft, if you know what I mean (because of all the cocks). 

Is It Worth Watching?  

If nothing else, Rock N’ Roll Heaven is worth a watch simply because it’s a product of its time, and is a fascinating throwback to the ridiculous hair (facial or otherwise) of the era. 

Its cast also features some of the hottest female performers of the late 80s. Keisha, Jeannie Piper, Cheri Taylor and Sharon Kane were all legends of the 80s porn scene, and since they’re all retired at this stage (unless someone’s pressed them into service for GILFs On Tour), it’s only in movies like Rock N’ Roll Heaven that you get to see what they’re made of. 

Check Out Our Other Adult Movie Reviews

All in all, it’s definitely worth a watch. It’s pretty tame by modern standards, but it’s always worth looking back to see what was getting dad’s engine revving on bootleg VHS. 

Epic Elsa Jean Maid Porn: Our Cute Little Plaything 

1

Porn for porn’s sake is all well and good, but everybody enjoys a good story. This is why the very best porn out there features copious amounts of fucking but also a heart-warming, feel-good story of the summer.

It’s why Debbie Does Dallas is a classic, but you’ve never even heard of 4 Hours Of Just Fucking With No Plot Whatsoever

This is why shorts like Our Cute Little Plaything are so great. Not only do you get to watch a husband and wife destroy the pussy of a petite blonde, but you also get dialogue and such leading up to said pussy destruction. 

Let’s take a look at some of the most epic Elsa Jean maid porn in the form of Our Cute Little Plaything

Our Cute Little Plaything: Overview 

  • Starring: Elsa Jean, Osa Lovely, Flash Brown 
  • Runtime: 43:18 
  • Release date: 2016 
  • Director: none credited 

Our Cute Little Plaything: Plot 

Elsa Jean is fresh out of high school and in need of a little extra cash. She starts cleaning at the home of the wealthy Osa Lovely. Dissatisfied with the amount of cash she’s receiving, she soon asks for a raise to fund going to college. 

Mrs. Lovely agrees to the raise, on the condition that Elsa raises her shirt and drops her panties while she’s cleaning. After some initial reluctance, Elsa acquiesces. 

Mrs. Lovely goes from simply watching Elsa clean in the nude to fudding herself silly while watching. Elsa is nonplussed and continues her normal cleaning routine (but naked). 

One day, Ms. Lovely’s husband comes home and is surprised to see that they’ve had a cleaner. He concludes that this is the reason the house is clean. No word on if Mr. Lovely’s day job is at Mensa. 

Mr. and Mrs. Lovely engage in frankly inappropriate sexual contact in front of Elsa. Elsa continues to pretend to clean while being more than a little taken aback at Mrs. Lovely’s sudden initiation of fellatio on her husband. 

The conversation turns to speculation on what Elsa’s “tight little pussy” might feel like to Mr. Lovely. Elsa announces that she’s finished the dishes; Mrs. Lovely directs her to do the floors.

This doesn’t seem sanitary, given that Elsa will need to kneel on dirty floors naked, but nobody seems too concerned about hygiene issues. Mr. and Mrs. Lovely start fucking directly behind Elsa. 

Shortly thereafter, the couple begins to fuck Elsa. Elsa, ever the professional, persists with cleaning the floor while Mr. Lovely raw-dogs her and Mrs. Lovely plays with her tits.

The action soon moves to the bedroom, where Mrs. Lovely and Elsa take turns getting fucked by Mr. Lovely. The only cleaning being done at this point is the waxing of Mr. Lovely’s shaft. 

At the conclusion of the movie, Mr. Lovely gives Elsa a comprehensive facial, which she then shares with Mrs. Lovely. The Lovelys conclude that they would be happy to pay for Elsa’s college education, so everybody’s happy. 

Is It Worth Watching? 

Those who enjoy an MFF threesome will find much to love in ‘Our Cute Little Plaything’, even if there might be one or two HR violations sprinkled throughout.

Elsa’s cleaning routines could also do with a little work, as she spends a good ten minutes on a single section of the kitchen floor.

More Porn Film Reviews

Any reputable cleaning agency would have her released with no severance pay for that. 

Handjobs 17: A Jerk Off Franchise (Literally!)

1

It’s time to talk about the Handjobs 17 porno because when a movie does so well that it spawns not one but sixteen sequels, you know you’re onto a good thing.

It’s particularly impressive when you consider the subject matter of Handjobs 17, a movie that revolves entirely around the Ford Focus of sexual manoeuvres: the serviceable yet boring handjob. 

That said, Handjobs 17 isn’t without its ways. What makes the franchise so remarkable that it has gone on to spawn so many sequels? Let’s find out. 

Handjobs 17: Overview 

  • Directed by: Bobby Rinaldi 
  • Starring: Aaliyah Jolie, Kaiya Lynn, Roxxxy Rush, Azalea Lee, Lauren, Sahara Knite, Dakota Cameron, Nikki Nievez, Tory Lane 
  • Runtime: 77 minutes 
  • Release date: 2006 

Handjobs 17: Plot 

Handjobs 17 revolves around quite the collection of porn stars (just look at all those names up there) who are inexplicably unwilling to go all the way.

Not only this, but they won’t even do blowjobs or anal – staples of the porn industry since time immemorial.

Anal is so casual that it’s basically the handshake of the porn industry, but nope – these chicks aren’t into it. 

What we have, then, is a collection of scenes in which smoking-hot porn stars refuse to give anything other than a little basic manual relief.

Sometimes they get their tits out, and they generally allow the dude to cum on their face/tits, but that’s pretty much it. I’d call it blue-balling if that description wasn’t technically invalidated by the cumshots. 

There’s also some light clitplay going on too, but it’s always the girl playing with her own clit – never the guy. 

There are ten scenes in total in Handjobs 17. The eagle-eyed amongst you will notice that there are ten performers listed above. That’s right – each girl has a single scene, which means that there is also no girl-on-girl action either. 

Each scene is essentially the same. The girls talk to the camera, get the guy’s pants down, jerk him off, and have him cum on their face/tits.

Sometimes they almost blow the guy, but they don’t. Sometimes they also almost fuck the guy; see the previous sentence for the inevitable outcome of this scenario. 

If you’re watching on DVD, there is the silver lining of a bonus scene. The cloud to this silver lining is it’s another vanilla handjob scene.

There are also a few behind-the-scenes extras; these are generally interviews with the girls in which they talk the viewer through the thrilling, no-holds-barred world of only giving handjobs in a porn movie. 

Is It Worth Watching? 

If handjobs are your thing (and if they are: what the fuck is wrong with you), then you’ll find plenty to love in Handjobs 17. It’s quite literally wall-to-wall handjobs. There is nothing else in this movie. There is nothing else in this movie. 

Beyond that; I mean, these girls are hot. Wouldn’t you like to watch them fuck? If that’s the case, then there are other movies that feature these girls, but with fucking.

Want More Adult Movie Reviews? Check These Out!

You’d be well advised to go find one of them. 

No Morals Review: A 1970s Tabu Film Icon?

0

Opening with a gloriously animated cumming penis in the style of Monty Python, No Morals is a demented German porn movie from sometime in the 1970s.

It’s surprisingly hardcore for the time when American and British adult movies were still stuck in the realm of ribald innuendo and the occasional tit. 

No Morals: Overview 

  • Release date: 1970s 
  • Produced by: Tabu Film 
  • Starring: Unknown female actors, unknown male actors, unknown German ‘staches 
  • Runtime: 19:02 

No Morals: Plot 

At the start of No Morals, a sexy maid opens the door of a large house and lets in two strapping men with big hair and bigger ‘staches. The two men bear T-shirts saying “Adonis Massage”. They are there to massage the lady of the house, who is an older woman. 

The two men begin to massage the older lady. She wastes no time in getting their cocks out, and the whole thing degenerates into a spectacle frankly unbecoming of a professional massage company. 

Meanwhile, three girls have entered the house with a large box. Within the box is an inflatable male sex doll. The girls waste no time inflating the doll and straddling its dubiously proportioned cock.

The maid, last seen letting the masseurs in, spies upon the girls and begins using her feather duster to pleasure herself. It is doubtful the duster will be of much use when it comes to dusting household items after this act of wanton debauchery. 

The maid, having finished frigging herself senseless with a cleaning tool I can only assume is full of dust (and, now, lady juice), lets in two workmen.

The workmen encounter two of the girls from upstairs in the kitchen. The girls have forgotten to put their clothes back on; blowjobs, inevitably, ensue. 

Back upstairs, the maid joins the remaining girl in straddling the blow-up doll, leaving this writer living in the hope that she wiped that cock or her pussy off beforehand.

The two girls downstairs have progressed to fucking the workmen, who presumably can’t believe their luck.

The maid and the remaining girl upstairs lez it up; they are interrupted by the two other girls, and then the maid deflates the doll for some reason. 

At this point, things descend into absolute anarchy. The masseurs blow their loads all over the mother, and the maid and her friend have joined the other girls and the workmen in a no-holds-barred orgy.

There are people fucking all over the living room at this point. The maid is definitely failing to meet her contractual standards, and, to boot is getting fucked over a polar bear rug. 

It is at this stage that the man of the house comes home and is frankly aghast at the site of six strange men fucking his wife, maid, daughter, and daughter’s friends. His wife tries to tempt him to join in; the movie ends with the future uncertain. 

Is It Worth Watching?  

If you’re a fan of big hair, big pubes and poor Mario cosplays (check out the workmen), then you’ll love this slice of vintage erotica.

If, on the other hand, you’re less than enthused by the sight of hairy 70s German porn assholes (on the ladies as well as the gents), then you might find less to love.

More Adult Film Reviews

It’s all a question of personal preference, really. 

Tory Lane Interracial Anal: The Ultimate Ass Fucking of 2009?

1

Sometimes I find myself at a loose end. What do I do with these times of existential angst and crushing ennui? I watch porn, of course.

But sometimes I take it too far and not only do I watch porn; I take notes on it and write brief but insightful reviews on said porn, such as Tory Lane Interracial Anal.

My therapist says that this is not normal behavior, but she takes notes on porn that someone else has watched, so who the fuck is she to pass judgment? 

Anyway: today’s brief porn review involves a plucky young lady called Tory Lane. Tory’s super into taking black cock right up her holiest of holies, and who am I to judge?

I’m the fucking author of this review, that’s who. Let’s take a look at “Tory Lane Interracial Pussy And Anal Thrashing” which was part of the 2009 Jules Jordan DVD, Breast Worship 2!

Tory Lane Interracial Pussy And Anal Thrashing: Overview 

  • Directed by: Jules Jordan
  • Starring: Tory Lane and Lexington Steele
  • Release date: circa 2009 
  • Runtime: 11:17 

Plot Overview 

The girl of the hour, Tory Lane, is inexplicably prowling around an apartment on all fours with a butt plug stuck up her, uh, butt.

One quick cut later, and she’s on a pool table with some dude’s fingers in her mouth. Spoiler alert: that is not all she will have had in her mouth by the end of this clip. 

Tory soon takes her new suitor’s engorged member into her mouth. She is informed by said suitor that he has a “pretty dick”, which you’d have thought Tory would be aware of since the dick in question is quite literally in her mouth.

Also a pretty conceited guy. Let people make their own assessments of the esthetic merits of your penis. 

Lexington directs Tory to present her ass to him. Tory opines that she likes a bossy man. The bossy man slaps her ass in a domineering fashion as if to confirm to her that he is, indeed, bossy. 

Boss man eats Tory’s pussy and then fucks her in it. He also takes the opportunity to test the waters by sticking a thumb in her asshole. Tory, accustomed as she is to prowl the apartment with a butt plug in, is unfazed. 

The gentleman then plunges his manhood into Tory’s ass with little to no preparation, asserting that he is going to “stick this motherfucker all the way in”.

Tory seems receptive to this, recommending that he “stretch it like a pink rubber band”. Tory seems more adept at sticking various objects in her ass than she does at similes. 

At length, Tory expresses a desire to “taste that ass”. The gentlemen gladly oblige, and Tory sucks on the penis that was, mere moments before, so deep that it was likely tickling her lower intestine. Tory seems to be a fan of this. 

Is It Worth Watching? 

I can’t really fault “Tory Lane Interracial Pussy And Anal Thrashing” for accomplishing exactly what its title suggests.

Further, it doesn’t outstay its welcome; at a lean eleven minutes and seventeen seconds, the unknown director does what Spielberg and Cameron cannot, and turns in a compelling work of cinematographic flair in less than a quarter of an hour. 

More Classic Porn Movie Reviews

All in all: if you’re a fan of watching potty-mouthed butt plug enthusiasts get their anus destroyed by uncommonly large penises, then “Tory Lane Interracial Pussy And Anal Thrashing” is the movie for you. 

Black Patrol Porn Review: Police Injustice Made Right?

1

When it comes to racial inequality between black people and white cops, things aren’t always as smooth as a MILF’s tits.

Luckily, there are some cops determined to put things right!

Black Patrol shows there’s an increasing number of white female cops hunting hung black men to fuck and suck in an attempt to pay them back for years of injustice.

But do they succeed in their mission, and is Black Patrol worth watching? Or is it best avoided like a divorced male cop with a chip on his shoulder?

Let’s find out!

What is Black Patrol?

black patrol porn homepage min

Black Patrol is a premium adult channel covering horny, white female cops on patrol in urban areas of the U.S. as they fight crime, suck dick and ride cock!

Their prime suspects are young and hung black men. But rather than beating them for no reason, they let the suspects beat up their white pussies with throbbing black meat.

What Are Black Patrol Porn Videos Like?

From the authentic squad car to the realistic uniforms, the content is some seriously high-end porn. Here are some of the highlights of Black Patrol porn videos!

Threesome in a Stolen Truck

After catching a hung black thug in a stolen truck, these two cops spread their legs for him to fuck them.

With his dick in a pussy and his face between another’s asscheeks, these women give him a lesson in law that he’ll never forget!

A Wet & Messy Interrogation

This black guy won’t talk in the interview room, but two blonde female cops extract a confession alongside the contents of his balls in a suck and fuck session of the ages!

An Anal Creampie to Finish The Shift

A Foul-Mouthed gang member is made to eat his words as a female cop forces his face between the ass cheeks of her colleague.

The end result is a drive back to the cop station with an anal creampie leaking onto the seats of the squad car. What a shift!

Design of Black Patrol

black patrol porn videos min

Although this is a premium porn site, the overall design isn’t anything special and is a generic tube site/porn aggregator design.

What I Like Most

The content theme is unique, the storylines are awesome, and it’s a seriously high-budget production with no expense spared.

The pornstars playing the female cops are insanely hot, and the guys playing black suspects are exceptionally well-hung.

What I dislike

Whilst the productions are awesome, the site isn’t. Unlike a horny white female cop (or a repressed and angry male one), it doesn’t exactly blow you away.

I also don’t like that there are no free video previews to get an idea of how good the site is. I had to go to third-party tube sites to sample the content without signing up.

Suggestions I Have For Channels Like This

Upgrade the website to make it more attractive for people to enter and sign up. The videos are worth the money, but the site design isn’t.

Give users some free samples to enjoy rather than forcing them to sign up for the site without seeing how good the content is first.

Final Thoughts

If you’re looking for unique premium porn productions that are fun, affordable, and jammed with high-end productions, then, unlike a 9/11 call during a home invasion, Black Patrol won’t let you down!

Pros and Cons

High-quality porn videos with unique storylinesUnlike other porn channels, there are no free previews of videos to check out
Insanely hot women role-playing as cops
Authentic streets with real police cruisers

LegalPorno Review: The Kings of Extreme Anal Porn?

1

There’s anal porn, and then there’s anal porn made by LegalPorno. The latter will see sphincter-defying behaviour ranging from double-fisting to triple anal penetration.

LegalPorno is a Czech producer of Europe’s most extreme, boundary-pushing internet anal porn.

But is it worth visiting? Our review spreads the cheeks and reveals all!

If the sight of a creampied anal prolapse makes you queasy, then this site isn’t for you. But if some of the most debauched ass fucking ever seen in Europe is your jam, keep reading!

What is LegalPorno?

legalporno brutal anal prolapse min

LegalPorno is based out of the Czech Republic and specializes in extremely taboo gangbangs that are full of sordid surprises.

The models in these videos are pushed to the brink of their porn career dreams, and only the strongest survive.

Put simply; this is the make or break of many wannabe hardcore pornstars who agree to step foot into the iconic studio defined by seedy couches and cum-stained floors.

What Are The Porn Videos Like?

In a word? Extreme! This website is not for those who like soft and sensual porno. It’s trashy, battle-hardened whores who can take more anal punishment than you could ever dream of.

Expect to see underrated but equally infamous pornstars like Brittany Bardot to Polly Petrova put through the ultimate anal gangbang tests.

To give you an idea of how hardcore it is, here’s some of the content that stuck in my dirty mind!

Veronica Leal Versus 10 Cocks – This blonde teen whore is turned into a human fountain in a 10-man anal gangbang where each dude gets his money’s worth from her increasingly wrecked hole!

You Piss My Ass Off! – Arwen Gold’s prolapsed ass is used as a fuckhole and a toilet in this piss-soaked anal gangbang.

Transsexual Gangbang With Natalie Mars – Locked in chastity, Natalie Mars proves sissies don’t need their limp dicks to have a good time as she’s turned into a transsexual fuckdoll by 5 men. The triple anal penetration is a particularly special scene!

What I Like & What I Don’t Like About The Website

legalporno triple anal penetration tap min

First off, these are some of the best porn videos I’ve ever seen, and that’s not something I say every day.

My tastes in smut are quite high-end after years of consumption, and few things shock me anymore. But LegalPorno knows how to make my jaw drop and my thighs open.

And what do I not like? Well, despite how high-end and well-made the porn is, LegalPorno’s Anal Vids site looks really basic and runs on a cheap-looking porn aggregator-style template.

I’d suggest the site really upgrade the theme to something sleeker and invest in a decent logo that really represents the level of quality that comes as standard with LegalPorno.

Is Legal Porno Worth Entering?

If you’re prepared to acknowledge the sheer level of filth and depravity within and are sure you can handle the extremities of these Czech porn videos, then yes, absolutely!

In terms of content, there really isn’t any producer that comes close to the AnalVids website of LegalPorno.

It’s as hardcore as it comes, exceptionally creative, and the porn videos on this website will stay in the dirtiest corners of your mind for a long time.

Don’t believe me? Check out LegalPorno’s Anal Vids website for yourself and pump some views into their sordid creations, and I’m sure you’ll agree!

However, you will need to be prepared for a relatively cheap-looking website design overall. But stick with it.

After a few views of their porn videos, I guarantee you’ll be hungry for more.

JAVFinder: A Weeb’s Japanese Porn Paradise?

0

Outside of Japan, there’s a huge demand for Japanese porn (JAV) and the squealing, tentacle-riddled weirdness that comes with it!

However, not many people outside of the country speak the lingo, so navigating adult videos from the land of the rising sun can be a pain.

JAVFinder is a free, English-language Japanese porn streaming site packed with videos. It sounds like a Weeb’s dream, but is it?

We completed the site’s registration, made an account, and checked it out!

What is JAVFinder?

japanese porn min

JAVFinder is a free porn tube site that specializes in all manner of Japanese Adult Videos (JAV) and tries its best to translate the titles into English.

JAVFinder Porn Videos

There are thousands of JAV videos in this space, but these were my favourite to watch and download.

Celebrating School Graduation With Creampies

Straight out of school and onto Japanese porn sites! These two 18-year-olds toast their graduation with multiple creampies from strange men. Cheers!

Doctor Fucks Mom & Daughter

This gynaecologist said he was “thorough” in his ads, but this mom and daughter didn’t realize just how much he loves his job!

JAV Interracial

In this rare BBC versus Japanese teen video, we see some epic interracial porn as a black dock wrecks a tight Japanese pussy.

Design of The Site

javfinder japanese porn site min

The design of JAVFinder isn’t very impressive. When you navigate from page to page, you often see the basic version of the site pre-loading.

It’s easy to navigate, though, and the main menu lets you filter porn by censored and uncensored, as well as search through categories, pornstars, and JAV production studios.

From JAV Censored to Uncensored, Here’s What I Like About JAVFinder!

As great as Japanese adult video is, the amount of censored porn is a thorn in the side of viewers in most cases.

However, JAVFinder has neatly categorized pornstars and content with a censored and uncensored tag. I imagine the latter leaves the former in its dust, but it takes all kinds of tastes to make a porn world.

In terms of categories to watch, the site isn’t lacking and has everything from creampied college girls to anal-loving Japanese MILFs!

What I Don’t Like About The Website

Unlike the Japanese repairing earthquake damage, these JAV porn videos can be slow to load, which can really interrupt your porn viewing session.

Also, any written content on the site is in poor English and reads like a riddle sometimes. For example, “The vast majority incline toward watching films remaining at home on their agreeable sofa”. What the fuck does that mean?

Are There Ads?

Yes. When clicking play, you’ll find that the site will force redirect you to a couple of shitty ads that look like they’re going to give you more virtual STDs than you’d find at a Japanese blowjob bar.

Suggestions That I Have For This Japanese Porn Website

The video player needs to be better optimised as it’s currently not up to standard at all. Poor video quality will just make viewers leave and negatively affect your bounce rate.

Also, chill with the shitty forced redirects. If viewers wanna click on an ad, they will. Don’t force them like a Japanese teen being rudely groped on the Tokyo metro until she’s forced to cum.

I don’t speak Japanese, so I wouldn’t dare criticise your English. But I suggest paying a native speaker to proofread any written content on the site so that visitors aren’t put off.

Is JAVFinder The Best Site To Watch Free JAV?

With tonnes of censored and uncensored Japanese porn in a variety of niches, JAVFinder has a lot of potential.

However, it struggles when it comes to playing videos and overall site design. So I’m going to opt for porn sites with a better user experience.

Alice March In Talking Shit Gets You Fucked: A Review 

0

Featuring the most unwieldy title since The Englishman Who Went Up A Hill And Came Down A Mountain, Alice March In Talking Shit Gets You Fucked is the story of an intrepid red-headed babysitter who talks shit. And gets fucked. 

Alice March In Talking Shit Gets You Fucked: An Overview

  • Cast: Alice March, Mr. Tony 
  • Runtime: 26 mins 
  • Produced by: Team Skeet 

Plot: Mr. Tony needs a babysitter, and he’s used Alice before. After showing her around, she takes a phone call. It turns out that Alice is talking mad shit about Mr. Tony – she’s saying Mr. Tony is cheap and his daughter is a brat. What’s more, she’s talking about stealing from Mr. Tony. This is frowned upon in babysitting circles. 

Mr. Tony is not impressed with Alice’s shit-talking and threatens to have her banned from the babysitter’s club. This is a huge deal.

Alice begs Mr. Tony not to tell the babysitter’s club. Mr. Tony comes to the conclusion that the only way out of this situation is if he blackmails Alice into having sex with him.

Alice is surprisingly cool with this, her only concern being that Mr. Tony might fuck her and then rat her out anyway. Mr. Tony, being an upright man of his word for someone who blackmails teens into sex, assures her that he will not.

Alice is happy to take him at his word, and the two of them get to fucking. 

Alice March In Talking Shit Gets You Fucked: Best Scenes 

Alice March In Talking Shit Gets You Fucked really only has one sex scene, and it’s the one immediately after Mr. Tony blackmails Alice into fucking him. 

Mr. Tony starts off by pulling Alice’s dress up and fondling her pert ass. He then takes her panties off and admires her pussy, remarking at one point that it is a “beautiful fucking pussy”. He also opines that the pussy in question is undoubtedly tight. 

That question will have to wait for a later time, however, as Mr. Tony instead opts for a blowjob, asking Alice to get on her knees. Alice is happy to oblige and blows our fearless protagonist. 

Mr. Tony, feeling that Alice’s fellatio skills pass muster, bids her get on the bed, and he fucks her doggy-style.

The two of them then move on to the reverse cowgirl, with Alice demonstrating that this is clearly not her first rodeo.

Throughout, Mr. Tony compliments Alice’s vagina, ass and general carnal abilities via the use of several colorful expletives. 

Alice, clearly encouraged by Mr. Tony’s kind words, disrobes fully and switches to cowgirl. The two then switch to missionary style and finally back to doggy.

Mr. Tony, clearly satisfied with Alice’s commitment to ethical babysitting by way of fucking her client without promising to change anything else, pulls out and cums on her ass. Alice remains gainfully employed, and everyone’s a winner. 

Should You Watch Alice March In Talking Shit Gets You Fucked? 

I would hardly classify it as being up there with Citizen Kane or Gone With The Wind, but this movie is watchable for the impish, elfin Alice March, if nothing else.

Her coquettish girl-next-door looks clash nicely with her devious and manipulative persona. And she really does have a juicy pussy. 

Strip Search 1995: Like Showgirls But With Actual Fucking!

1

Strip Search is a porn classic dating all the way back to 1995. In the same year as Mel Gibson was tearing up screens as William Wallace in Braveheart and Kevin Spacey was fooling everybody (not for the last time) as Keyser Soze in The Usual Suspects, the mavericks behind Strip Search were really pushing the boundaries of cinema by filming a bunch of chicks getting fucked in generic LA locations. 

Strip Search: Overview  

  • Release date: 1995 
  • Starring: Amanda Addams, Ariana, Brick Majors, Colt Steel, Felecia, Kaylan Nicole, Luc Wylder, Selena 
  • Runtime: 99 mins 
  • Directed by: Fred J. Lincoln 

The plot shares similarities with another 1995 release: Paul Verhoeven’s much-maligned Showgirls.

Like Showgirls, there are lots of strippers and tits. Unlike Showgirls, there’s actual fucking. So it’s pretty much a win all around. 

The plot revolves around the trials and tribulations of this stable of strippers in some generic LA dressing room.

One of them (Kaylan Nicole) has a boyfriend called Joe. Joe goes missing; some of the other girls worry about Nicole cutting into their tips because she’s super hot. 

One of the other strippers (Addams) offers for Nicole to come and stay at her place after Joe still doesn’t show. Felecia then proceeds to fuck her boyfriend while Nicole sleeps on the couch. 

A couple of the strippers suspect Joe never existed, and Nicole is crazy. Nicole comes back worried, and the two strippers reassure her. They then fuck.   

Nicole goes to a PI who looks like a porn star. He says he can help her, but it will take time. He goes to see some random guys who look like porn stars and also a girl who looks like a porn star.

They know Nicole but not her boyfriend. The female friend says she has a history of having imaginary friends.

The PI then goes to see Nicole’s former landlady. She says Nicole always paid the rent on time, and they fuck. It’s a wonder anyone ever gets any work done, what with all the fucking. 

The PI goes back to Nicole and tells her that her boyfriend doesn’t exist. She says that he does. Shockingly, they don’t fuck. 

It turns out that Joe is real (Brick Majors). Nicole breaks up with him because he’s been AWOL. Joe is sad and then fucks one of the strippers. 

Nicole goes to thank the PI. She tells him that she was over Joe anyway because she’d fallen in love with him. They fuck. 

Best Scenes Of Strip Search 

Amanda Addams/Luc Wylder 

Nicole’s stripper buddy fucks her boyfriend while she’s asleep. Features blowjob, missionary, and doggy. 

Kaylan Nicole/Felecia/Selena 

Girl-on-girl three-way featuring cunnilingus, face-sitting, strap-on and tribbing. 

Ariana/Colt Steel 

The PI fucks Nicole’s landlady. Blowjob, cunnilingus, fingering, missionary, cowgirl. 

Brick Majors/Ariana 

Nicole’s ex fucks one of her colleagues. Cunnilingus, blowjob, missionary, doggy. 

Kaylan Nicole/Colt Steel 

The headlining act and Nicole’s only sex scene despite her being the star. Blowjob, doggy, missionary, cunnilingus. 

Is Strip Search Worth Watching? 

Absolutely! If not for the amazing mid-90s hairstyles, then definitely for the smooth jazz that plays during every sex scene. Also, Kaylan Nicole is legitimately smoking hot.